The Bungling Zero
by GrumpyGrue
Summary: One-shots of random summons. Will Louise consume meadow muffins and go the way of all flesh?


Hello Fanfiction community!

Other authors and forum posters inspired me with their ideas, so I want to try one-shots.

I am still pretty new to writing, so constructive criticism would be fantastic.

I want a bracer. Like whisky. This story is my first attempt at first person perspective. I might switch to third in the others.

* * *

**Chapter One: Zero plus One**

Exhausting. What just transpired was worth it though. My eyelids droop.

*_smooch_* "Spent already love? I thought the chosen one would have much more stamina than this."

Trinity laid sideways, sprawled across the bed. She propped herself on her elbow, cheek resting on her palm all while giving me a cheeky grin. She is half naked…if bed sheets count as clothing.

I tried thinking of a witty retort. Got nothing.

"Dealt with a bunch of agents today. Must have taken on at least a hundred Smiths."

"I never knew you swung that way Neo!"

What the? I don't even…

"…Not in a million years."

"Haahah…just joking darling. Though you do have a nice ass."

I gave her a playful smack on her rump. "Trinity…we have work to do."

"Mmmn. Right."

We took a quick shower together, then left the dorms.

Trinity and I headed to the Matrix neural interface machines.

"Welcome back Neo."

"It's good to be back. Morpheus."

I gained newfound confidence in joining the rebels of Zion. They have my back, I have theirs.

We sat through debriefing. Today's mission is a raid of a network facility within the Matrix. It holds information on possible recruitment candidates for our cause. Our team reclined in the metal chairs as connection needles aligned to the backs of our skulls, ready to be thrust in.

The cold metal spikes sank in. We slept in a way similar to lucid dreaming. We entered.. "the Matrix."

Green binary numbers, walls of coding entered my eyes as I was written into the virtual reality.

* * *

The entry point in the Matrix was at an abandoned warehouse. Everyone is dressed in their usual attire. We wear black. Why? Cause it looks badass.

Trinity wore her body hugging leather suit. Sexy.

Morpheus wore his usual long trench coat. He's a sexy beast that listens to power metal. Who can resist that?

_-C_

_-L_

_-A_

_-S_

_-S_

_-Y_

It is unbuttoned so he can quickly pull weapons out of its inside pockets.

I wore my cassock with a high rise mandarin collar. Fitting for a Kung-Fu master such as myself.

We wear shades. Sleek, stylish, and it hides our eye colors, so it (puts on sunglasses)… keeps people in the dark.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Morpheus spoke.

"Our exile suppliers left us a sports car and a motorcycle outside. Weapons are in the crates next to us. Right now it is 0800. Let's get a move on."

* * *

**Hours Later...**

We copied the stolen records on a hard drive, then deleted the original.

We were being chased by agents after the raid turned violent.

Agents behind us fired SMGs, so Morpheus wove through traffic to minimize damage. Trinity used up our rockets.

"You go on ahead. I will handle the rest."

Morpheus nodded. "Find a safe extraction point ASAP. Don't get followed."

"I know the drill."

With that I jumped through the sun roof. Then I leapt onto a van chasing us. Bullets ripped through the roof, seeming to be in super slow-motion. The bullets were easy to halt by rewriting the local code. I leapt among nearby vehicles, and shot the tires to the van, sending it swerving out of control. It careened through the poorly designed guardrail, off the overpass, and exploded on impact with the ground below.

Mission nearly accomplished. Now to get out of…wait…what is happening?

A portal instantly appeared before me. I have not previously encountered these distortions, nor did I sense nearby danger, so my warning codes and bullet time was not triggered. Thus, I did not clear the area in time. The strange green doorway engulfed me.

* * *

I landed with a crash in a grassy, smoke filled field, ready for action. The smoke screen cleared. This is unrecognizable territory. I press against my earpiece to speak.

"This is Neo. I need a location reading. Over."

….No response. How will I be extracted? My comrades would not dare extract me unless it was confirmed that I am not being traced. Since they are not answering me, I have possible guesses as to why.

**_1 ..._**I am in an area of the Matrix, where signals are jammed.

**_2..._**I am not in the Matrix.

The earpiece is not malfunctioning, unless the data has been corrupted somehow. Just like my clothing, it is a programmed part of the Matrix. Since I still have my Matrix clothing and guns, so I assume that I am still within the Matrix.

Good thing the future has machines that will keep me from atrophying quickly in the real world. I also will be fed by my friends I'm sure.

I glanced around to hopefully enlighten myself. There are children here wearing cloaks, skirts, and slacks. All the same types. Medieval castle and fantasy creatures in the background. There were kids with weird hair colors, but they were in the minority. And two moons! What the hell? Am I in a different Matrix altogether?. Is that dragon a robot? It looks so realistic.

Close to me, there was a pink haired child yelling at the other children, who seemed to be laughing at her. Sounds French.

"Can't speak French sorry."

Her eyes twitch and she stomps on the ground multiple times with her fists clenched.

Big...err small baby.

She is yelling at me. And motioning with her hands at me to come closer. She moves a hand with her palm facing down and then points down with her index finger. I assume she wants me to lower myself since she is tiny.

I do so. She then waves a stick around, and leans in with her lips puckered….WHAT?!

I do not trust what she is doing, so I quickly lean to the side and step away from her.

"No." I shake my head and hold up my hand in a stop gesture.

That should be clear. This is universal I think.

She tries to grab me now, so I pull her past me by her wrist, and walk toward the only visible adult in the courtyard.

She yells loudly behind me, but I do not glance back. I did anticipate another attempt, and can feel dimensional space shift around me by area vector displacement. In other words, she is moving at me in another attempt to accost me. I feel it by implementation of mathematical codes in my programs. It's good to have admin powers.

I sidestep the girl and trip her. She crashes to the ground and sits up clutching her nose. The other children double over in laughter.

"Do you understand me sir?"

The bald man does not appear amused. He waves his staff and I feel a program transferring to me. My antivirus program blocks it. Ran it in sandbox mode to test.

The bespectacled bald man spoke.

"I cast a translation spell. Now do you understand?"

"I do. Who are you?"

Interesting. He rewrote virtual reality. And he called it a spell. That staff, those wands…are they all crazy role-players? Do they really believe in magic?

"My name is Professor Colbert. Now that you understand, we can continue with the ritual. You have been summoned to be Miss Valliere's familiar mister..."

"Just call me Tom. What is this familiar business? I thought she was trying to sexually harass me. Is she?"

The pinkhead jumps up.

"Mind your tongue commoner! I would never sully my good name by making advances on a lowborn dog like you! I tried asking for a different familiar, but you are all that I get for now…"

My eyebrows rose. "For now?"

"YES FOR NOW! Mages can only summon and bind what comes out of the portal. The bond lasts until one of us dies."

Stop. Think. She said bind till death do us part. I do not like what came out her loud mouth. Why would I serve her anyway?

"Why would I serve you?"

"It's an honor for commoners to serve nobles!"

"I decline."

"INSOLENT COMMONER! YOU WILL TASTE MY WRATH! FIREBALL!"

She telegraphed that. Threatening me, pointing that Harry Potter stick at me, and yelling fireball. How obvious can you get? I was prepared and dodged the explosion, which hit her classmates rather than me. They fainted. The girl's jaw dropped in shock.

"Don't try. You'll embarrass yourself."

Professor Colbert coughed.

"This is a sacred ritual. I'm afraid you have no choice in the matter."

"I always can make my own choices."

"You can't choose to free yourself from my immobilizing levitation spell. Not unless you do magic. Bind him now miss Valliere."

With chants and a wave of his staff I was hoisted into the air. With my arms and legs pushed against the sides of my body.

Inefficient. The force holding me may as well be invisible spaghetti. I lowered myself onto the ground and stared at the girl and the professor I as I approached them.

Sputtering was heard all around. I fixed the wrinkles in my coat and cracked my neck, then my knuckles.

"Ever hear of the human rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness? Those who do not respect those rights do not deserve to share them."

* * *

Right after that, I beat them within inches of their lives. They begged me to stop, casting aside their pride. So I did. They were healed up by these "water mages." I fought many easy battles from haters soon after.

Women of all sorts tried seducing me and attempted to uncover my past, but I decided to remain faithful to Trinity and be anonymous.

The princess tried recruiting me, but I refused to do her dirty work. She is nothing but an irresponsible twit that would risk the lives of her loyal subjects. If she really cares for her people as she says she does...then why would she risk a huge military alliance that promotes stability for the pursuit of a forbidden incestuous affair with a soon to be dead prince? Fools love. She sends her "best friend" who she had not seen in many years in order to give a dangerous mission deep into enemy territory. Louise is a young child that lacks "magic".

Still could not find my way back to Zion, as I flew around at hypersonic speeds, searching for familiarity. Found none. Except in the strange case of a maid named Siesta, and her family. Her features stood out. After interrogation and misleading her with my sexy good looks, I discovered that her grandfather came from Earth through a solar eclipse in a plane. Perfect. I will escape through the next one using my flight capability. According to Colbert, above the plains of Tarbes should be a good spot to return. After all, if one enters from above the plains, surely I can go back from that spot?

* * *

**On The Plains of Tarbes...**

I come across the fields and think...isn't there supposed to be a invasion battle going on here?

I hear a familiar, chilling voice...

"Missster Annndersoonnnn..."

I turn around.

Louise is wearing a business suit, has an earpiece, and shades.

Louise removes the shades, revealing a hollowness in her eyes. Wasn't that always there? A stare by one without compassion, mercy, common sense, having anger management problems...

**several simulated eternities later...**

perversion by the way she wants other people to dress her. She isn't handicapped or a toddler, so that must make her a closet perv...did I mention that her explosions contain carcinogens?

Louise was impatient. "Like I was saying...Mr. Anderson. There won't be a battle between nations today. Rather, there will be a battle, between you and nations."

"Excuse me?"

"I came to this world Mr. Anderson, through you.

That bug that we placed to track you, it was removed, yet replaced when I attempted to assimilate you. When I told you that I became a rogue program. Though I was unable to assimilate you, the bug I placed was of a different purpose. To carry a backup of myself. I was able to remotely transfer myself into Louise from you. The process is slower, but it is difficult to detect. From there on, I "gained favors" in royal courts, until I managed to transfer myself into others who may be in close proximity of the high ranking, and then to them. I used the Ring of Andvari for expediting matters. I spread viruses faster that that Kirche woman, though not by much.

Mister Anderson, this world is ripe for the picking. It has a higher potential yield in energy than Earth, due to magi "willpower." All I need is additional investment in time, materials, and labor to create harvesting plants. I can surpass even the Source Program in power! I will rewrite all that exists, in my image! I haven't fully assimilated everyone to keep you from noticing until it is too late. I reside, dormant, in many humans here. I will soon never again deal with the disgusting stench of you foul humans. I believe you remember that Frenchman's speech on causality. I can not perceive a threat from anyone on this world. Yet, since Earth and Halkegenia are inexorably linked, I'm afraid that I must remove you from the equation Mr. Anderson. You are the only one who might stop this operation. You will not escape through the eclipse. We will end you before that happens."

"Yeah? You and what army?"

Louise/Smith spread her arms wide almost as if asking for a bear hug. She pointed to the fleets and contingents behind her.

"Galian, Tristanian, Albonian, and Germanian of course. But...nix that. Those names sound horrible. How about, the Smith army?"

At that moment, I heard the dreadful screams of hundreds of thousands. A cacophony of anguish and of struggle. The Smith "virus" that lay dormant in the armies awakened, everyone was being assimilated. Knights lost their metal armor to gain the more protective business suits of Smith. Dragons roared as they morphed into Smiths...with wings. So there were Smiths riding fire-breathing Smiths. Smith on Smith action. Granny Smiths in the nearby villages.

"My name is John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith, his name is my name too!"

And a shit-ton of "MMMMISSSSTERRRR ANNNNDERSOOONNN!"

"Mr. Anderson. I realized that overkill is the most fun way to kill."

Yeah...my thoughts were now along the lines of 'oh shit.' I just need to hold them off until I can escape.

* * *

That did not work. At the start of the fight they dog piled me. The stack was huge. Not fair. Without room to move and momentum, I was squished under more and more weight of Smiths stacking on top of each other. It hurt. Even though I kick physics in the nuts, it was hard to break free of this many, but through my sheer awesomeness, I crawl out from under them, feeling a bit crippled. I struggled to prop myself up.

Louise/Agent Smith, the only not transformed host, spat in contempt.

"Why Mr. Anderson? Why, why, why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting the assimilation? Louise could have bound you and you would have forgotten all the pains of the past! You could have you own harem! Do you really think there is purpose behind such hardship? You could have a cute pink fluff thing say ~Munya!~ and stretch when she wakes in the morning! You could dress her daily and even wash her underwear! You could have had that stupid maid with a bob cut! She looks somewhat like Trinity only Asian and less hot! You could kick the crap out of annoying Faeries at an inn, and even elves for fun!

Your ideals to make commoners the equals of nobles are vagaries of perception Mr. Anderson! Why won't you become a familiar? Why Mr. Anderson? Why! Why do you persist?!"

I saw the flaws in what would be perfect "Smith Logic." Does he lack control in a not entirely full assimilation? Or perhaps...there is something more. It seems that Louise has even more of a corrupting nature than Smith. He is so pussy-whipped or drugged by whatever makes Louise herself, he does not even notice the weird arguments that were made. Time to exploit this!

* * *

"Because I choose to...and Louise is a bitch."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me. She is a self-centered, domineering, egotistical, conniving, jealous, dumb as shit, easily manipulated, bossy, truculent, shallow, dogmatic, narrow-minded twit, who needs to get laid. But no sane person will ever do her. Cause she looks like a 12 year old. I mean really. Look at that! Midget has a flat as a washboard chest. Even pedos would be put off."

I saw Louise shaking, tears ran down her face. Maybe I went overboard?

"I did your sister."

_*sniff*_ "Which one?"

"Cattleya."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

At this, all the Smiths clutched at their heads. They all began changing into Louise! And many of them brandished weapons. With shared purpose, they sought to destroy me.

"DIE WHORESON!"

The plains of Tarbes were engulfed in a bright white light, my danger senses were tingling, so I flew into the air with explosion tailing me. I flew faster and faster. I made it through the eclipse with not a moment to spare and ducked as a destructive beam shot through the portal overhead which blasted completely through several skyscrapers. I bet everyone in Halkegenia will die now. Serves them right for not killing the snobby nobles earlier. People should not stand down like cowards when so much is on the line. Guess that shows that in life, it's hard to tell what you will gain or lose, because we can't see our future, we just create it.

* * *

**Authors Notes:** 1 weird idea down, many left. Got an idea that you want someone to put into typing? Post it on a forum or something. I'll type them if it is not being done, and I'm up to the challenge.

Don't feel bad if you are short or have tiny boobs. Superficial appearance is not as important as character. Besides, boobs are awesome no matter how big or small. Ever hear that song by Rodney Carrington "**Show Them To Me**"? I am damn short, and it helps me since people mistake my age. Useful sometimes. Neo just says things with mean intent since he was trolling the troll. That metal shrimp belly bug interrogation room scene from the 1st movie shows that he does do additional mean things when provoked.

2 References were made when describing the clothing worn in the Matrix. Can you guess them? If yes, congratulations! You win 10 Internets! If not, try getting 1 out of two. 0 out of 2: son, I am disappoint.

The Smith dog pile was an idea from **Matrix Reloaded**. And **How it Should Have Ended**.

_John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt_ is a song I heard years ago.

I watched Matrix movies when I was a wee lad. Did not understand squat. Just liked the ass-kicking. But now, I enjoy it even more. Storyline is a bit deep. I watched a bit of TFOZ, but hated it. Storyline was meh, but characters were puke worthy.


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